Deb Crowe Schlosser Beats Cancer

Here are more cerebral thoughts…..

I have really really struggled with depression & anxiety my whole entire life. I remember being a little kid & wondering what was wrong with me. I wish I had understood that being a quiet little person (hardcore introverted) wasn’t a bad thing. I consistently compared myself to my much more gregarious, gorgeous friends & family & felt lacking. I fed these thoughts through the years as I struggled to feel like I deserved a place in this world.

This made me very often feel so uncomfortable with myself – especially in crowds. Even in small settings with my best, most favorite people. Going through airports & malls & even grocery stores can be so emotionally & mentally overwhelming. And that is because I have not had a very good self image. I always thought something was wrong with me. Not being able to smell, having scoliosis & the scars that have built up over the years has made me feel so unsymmetrical. And when this diagnosis showed up over a year ago, boy howdy – I thought well, this is you. Just not symmetrical. Just a little weird & off. You better finally get used to it.

But also at the beginning of last year, I decided to finally do something about my mental health. I called 2024 the year of mental health healing. Thanks to a seriously wonderful therapist, my self image is now pretty darn good. I really am just starting to embrace the idiosyncracies that I’ve been fighting with all my life. I finally really like & respect myself in a hopefully not ego-based way. And I am embracing being the introvert that I’ve always been.

At the beginning of this year, I decided that 2025 was going to be the year of my physical health. My awesome therapist has a partner who focuses on personal training & nutrition. In just a very short time, I found more reasons to really appreciate my body. And I know that this awesome health team (both mental & physical therapists) has got my back through the rest of what’s coming up in 2025. I feel prepared with a health team really understands me & my idiosyncracies.

But to be honest, I’m still struggling with one thing…..feeling like a burden on people. I love the love that I am receiving but I don’t want to trouble anyone. It’s just a very deeply rooted thing for me to always feel like I’m causing people grief, or not doing the right thing in other people’s eyes and disappointing people. Right now it’s the guilt I feel for not responding to the many really awesome texts, emails, phone calls, etc. that I am receiving from very important people that I love & respect so very much.

And this cancer thing – dang, one minute I think I’m totally cool & ready for it, then it seems like such a dark, brooding beast that’s coming for me & I just want to get safe in “the back of the cave” so to speak & just hide out.

But here I am. Just scheduled the port installation for next week. This is the thing that has been really freaking me out – having to have some plastic inserted into my blood system on my chest & just walking around with that for possibly a year or more. Now y’all know I’m an all-natural girl, so this just seems wrong.

But I’m doing it. One step in front of the other. Knowing that I’ve got an army of people that really do honestly care about me. And that there will be an end to this cancer. I may have to spend my 60th birthday getting surgery. I was hoping for something a little more fun.

I love my people. I am still getting used to allowing myself to believe that I am worthy of them loving me back. Please bear with me. Everything single bit of support & love that I receive from you is helping me in ways y’all don’t even know.

Just – THANK YOU. Thank you for caring. ❤️🌻